If You Go Camping at Christmas

If you go camping at Christmas
You’re courting disaster and ruin.
Your mince pies will freeze, and so will your cheese
Which will create problems when chewin’.

As for going to the loo, I’m telling you,
You don’t know the trouble it’ll bring.  
Because when you go, you’ll vanish in snow
And they won’t find you until spring.

If you go camping at Christmas,
You’ll sleep under oak, under willow.
But you won’t feel so jolly, when you find some holly
Has popped your inflatable pillow.

When you play a board game, it won’t be the same,
You know there are bound to be dramas.
You’ll find Colonel Mustard in a pint of cold custard,
And Scrabble tiles in your pyjamas.

If you go camping at Christmas,
There’s nowhere to hang up your stocking.
You’ll mix up a cold slug, with an earplug
And you won’t hear Santa come knocking.

There’s no chimney to climb down,
There’s no room to lie down; Santa’s bound to be late.
But will he get there, before all the air
has escaped and you entirely deflate?

If you go camping at Christmas,
You might feel a little bit distant.
When friends try to call, there’s no reception at all,
And your wi-fi will be non-existent.

If you go camping at Christmas,
People might think you’re a little bit quirky.
What trouble they’ll say, on Christmas
They’ll have when defrosting their turkey.  

But think of the peace and the magic,
You’ll have all the world to yourself.
They'll think you’re bobbins, singing carols with robins
While the squirrels all wish you good health.

You’ll find you won’t need any presents,
Because you’ll have all the stars in the sky,
Gleaming like sapphires or embers from campfires;
That’s better than socks and a tie.

So if you go camping this Christmas,
Maybe you’re onto a winner.
With snow in the wood, it could do you some good,
If you like instant noodles for dinner.